4 Things Loneliness in Ministry Taught Me About Friendship

For some reason, loneliness in ministry surprised me. As an idealist young pastor’s wife, I just didn’t expect it. 

You would think that growing up as the daughter, granddaughter, and great-granddaughter of men who were pastors would have prepared me- in some small way- for this aspect of ministry life.

But loneliness took me completely off guard.

I hesitated to include “loneliness” in my list of ten things every young pastor’s wife should know. 

When that post went viral and pastor’s wives began responding, I understood one thing very plainly:

Loneliness is an inescapable part of ministry life.

But it is not unredeemable.

In fact, I believe that our struggles- like loneliness- can stimulate deep and lasting growth in our lives as women in ministry.

The key is how we choose to respond to it.

Here are four things loneliness in ministry has taught me about friendships, about life, and about the eternal potential of both. 

1. Loneliness is not just circumstantial; it’s a state of the heart.

I have felt alone in a crowd.

In a family.

In my marriage.

At it’s core, loneliness is a state of the heart.  

It is not merely the absence of friends or mutual understanding or someone to share life with.

Those are the circumstances of loneliness.

But the power of loneliness to conquer and control our souls, that is a choice we can embrace or reject.

I may not have the power to cultivate close and fulfilling relationships at any given time in my life, but every moment of my life-

including the one I am living right now-

I have the God-given power to cultivate a full and radiant soul.  

When I embraced responsibility for the state of my heart and attitudes, giving in to the negativity of loneliness was no longer an option.  

The Holy Spirit gently reminded me (over and over and over) that God has provided everything- everything- I need to walk in joy.

“Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits, even the God of our salvation.” Psalm 68:19

For many years, loneliness was a state of heart I carried with me into every new situation, every new circumstance, and every new relationship.  

Because life is never ideal.  And because-

2) There is no perfect friend.

I shared in this post that I always nurtured this little pet expectation that life would some day bring me “the perfect friend.”  

A kindred spirit who would be able to take away that persistent ache within that longed for understanding.

I’m not suggesting that these types of friends do not exist!  Thank God for honest, loyal, and understanding friends—even introvert friendships.

I am absolutely suggesting that as long as I nurtured the expectation of  “that friend” appearing in my life so that I could finally be happy, I remained unhappy and lonely. 

My life has been blessed with many friends over the years; some near, some far away, some very like-minded, some as different and challenging as anyone could be.

Not one of those friends has ever been the perfect friend.  

No one has ever never disappointed me.

No one has ever always understood me.

Not my family.

Not my husband.

Not my mentors.

No one.

And, guess what?  I have never been the perfect friend to anyone else, either.

We are all fallible, broken, limited humans with a great capacity to love, but also to misunderstand, to judge, to mess up.

The moment I stopped expecting another human to satisfy every need in my life is the moment I ceased living in a constant state of disappointment.

Let humans be humans.

Only God can be God in your life.

3.) “Takers” drain everyone around them.

A friend and mentor of mine always said,

There are really only two kinds of people in the world: givers and takers.  Which are you?”

The first time I heard this, I knew exactly which one I tend to be: I’m a taker.

I think most of us, in our honest moments, would have to confess that we tend to be takers.  

We are generally very aware of our needs, our trials, our disappointments with life, and it simply stands to reason that surely someone, somewhere, should be responsible for meeting those needs.

Over the years, I’ve come to a few conclusions by observing others’ lives, including this:

People who expect others to meet their needs (takers) are pretty much always dissatisfied and unhappy with life.

And they will absolutely drain the life out of everyone around them (including themselves).

Why?

Because no human was created to meet your deepest needs.

Only God can do that. And ultimately, we are each responsible for meeting our own need for joy, companionship, love, and purpose.

Love and marriage and children and work and home and mutual understanding with like-minded people are each beautiful things.

But I noticed that not one of those things ever made me feel truly fulfilled deep in my soul.  

Never took away “the ache.” 

Why?

Well, because I was reaching with empty hands, waiting for life to fill me up.

And it never did.

Because it can’t.

4.) Meaningful friendships take time—and self awareness.

I am very blessed in this season of life to have a few friends who are as close to me as sisters. But can I be honest with you?

I didn’t just “click” with any of them. I knew most for months or even several years before we moved past just being acquaintances.

And what took us past the “hey, how are you” kind of conversations is that we’d all done years of work on ourselves. We are self-aware. We are growing. We aren’t looking for perfection in ourselves or others, but we do intentionally seek out growth-minded people.

And we know it when we find them.

If you’re struggling with loneliness, start by being the kind of friend you wish you had.

Want intelligent, loyal friends?

Read good books. (Check out my “Ultimate Reading Guide for Christian Women.”)

Refuse to gossip or criticize other women, and don’t get involved in conversations where it’s happening.

Take time for your personal hobbies. Start a business. Go on walks.

Enrich your mind and soul with beautiful ideas and always take the path of growth toward maturity. The world needs more women like this and, believe me—if you intentionally grow into this kind of woman, you will not live a lonely life.

Bottom line: I would never choose the ache of loneliness, and I know you wouldn’t either.

But it has shaped me, pushed me, made me think honest thoughts about myself and about life.

Your Turn

What has loneliness taught you about life? About God? About yourself?

Let me know in the comments below.

Here’s to living well-

Kristy