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How to Really Win as a Perfectionist Parent

This post: inspiration and grace for the perfectionist parent.

I am an Enneagram type 1.

I’m a mom.

It’s easy for me to believe there’s only one right way to do things.

I see the world in only two colors: black and white.

Boring, you say?

Predictably satisfying, I’d say.

Who is the Perfectionist Parent?

I’m the one who always shows up early… with her hair + make-up done.

The one who wants to “own” the words “right” and “good.”

The gal who knows- and keeps– every rule in the grammar book.

Every rule in every book.

photo credit: Paige Cody

I’m the one who just can’t sleep in.

Seldom loses my keys.

Likely knows where your keys are.

Sends thank-you notes for every gift, card + compliment.

Feels guilty if I don’t.

Feels guilty pretty much all the time.

Keeps my kids on a schedule.

Own every etiquette book on the market.

Has impeccable posture.

Wears matching pajamas.

Has a hard time not making a big deal about everything.

This is the type one enneagram mom.

How to Win as a Perfectionist Parent

Life for the perfectionist parent is hard.

On her kids, I mean.

If you had a perfectionist parent then I you know what my kids live with.
photo credit: Kelly Sikkema

If you had a perfectionist parent, then you know what my kids live with.

You’ve heard the lectures, the criticism; you’ve had to earn the love + approval.

I hate that about myself- that part that withholds approval + even love.

Do you know why I hate it?

Because it means that the harder I try at parenting, the less I win.

Oh yes. It’s taken me years to realize that the only way to win is to let go.

Let go of my most prized possessions: expectations + control.

When I say, “I’m proud of you.”

So here’s the bottom line:

When I say, “I’m proud of you,” it doesn’t mean I can’t see where you messed up.

But it means I see how hard you’re trying.

And that, most importantly, I see you.

I step back and give you the space to grow that I so desperately need.

Life for the perfectionist parent is hard. On her kids, I mean. Here's to giving permission to mess up, love big and enjoy good-enough days.
photo credit: Sai De Silva

When I say, “I’m proud of you,” it doesn’t mean I think you got it all right.

It means I think you’re just right as you are.

That you’re enough- more than enough.

And I smile and give you the acceptance I work so hard to earn.

When I say, “I’m proud of you,” I’m not imagining who you’ll become.

It means I’m celebrating this moment; living in this day.

With you, as you are right now.

And I slow down to acknowledge the progress I so often overlook.

When I say, “I’m proud of you,” it means I’m amazed at your personality + interests.

I realize that you didn’t get it all from me.

That you’re more than me; outside of me.

And I pause to honor the amazing person you are.

Life for the Enneagram perfectionist is hard. On her kids, I mean. Here's to giving permission to mess up, love big + enjoy good-enough days.
photo credit: Eye for Ebony

Here’s Permission

You don’t give yourself a lot grace, dear perfectionist parent.

Let me rephrase that. You don’t give anyone a lot of grace.

So here’s permission.

Just permission to embrace the broken as beautiful.

To see creativity in the chaos.

Permission to mess up.

Love big.

Give generously.

Laugh loudly.

Sleep in.

Start over.

To own the imperfect as if it were enough.

(Because it is.)

And enjoy all those goodenough days.

(Because they are.)

This is how to really win as a perfectionist parent.

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2 Comments

  1. This blog speaks to me wholeheartedly. Even though my kids are 21 and 18, I am learning that I need to not only let go of my perfectionist mindset for myself but also for them. I have never taken the Enneagram so I don’t know what I am but I know that trying to control them and make sure they live their lives the way I want them to is absolutely an area I am still working on, even in this new phase of life.

    1. Thank you for sharing that, Tammy. I so deeply relate! This is an ongoing growth process for me, too. And I think realizing that is a big part of winning the struggle within yourself!

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