Married to Mr. Steady (part 2)
After ten years of marriage to a wonderful, “classic” Steady Man, I have learned at least four “keys” to supporting and appreciating this type of guy:
THANKFULNESS
I already shared that criticism will “kill” your marriage to the Steady Man, but do you know what is the “root” of criticism? Many times, it is unthankfulness.
As a young wife, I was very often unthankful for all the wonderful “steady” things my husband did and was. I chose to focus on his short-comings, my unmet expectations, and what I perceived he was failing to do… and I was miserable.
Daily working to cultivate a grateful, thankful heart has freed me from so much frustration as a woman.
I no longer “expect” my man to be thus and so, but strive to focus on the many wonderful attributes of who he is. I no longer compare my life with what someone else has or what someone else is doing, but continually strive to be thankful for what God has given us, and what He is doing in us.
Thankfulness will enrich your Steady Man’s life and will free you to enjoy his many strengths.
PRAISE
Once I began to cultivate thankfulness versus negativity and ungratefulness, the next step was to vocalize my appreciation. This stands in stark contrast to the critical tongue I used to have.
Instead of belittling my husband for his faults (because I was always thinking about them), I seek to compliment my husband for his strengths, or thank him for something he does, or to simply be excited about a project he is working on or a dream he has (did I mention that my husband is also somewhat visionary?).
Praise “grows” children, wives, and husbands. While there is a place for cautious, constructive criticism within marriage, it ought to be the exception and not the norm.
Heart-felt praise will free your mind from negativity, and will allow Mr. Steady to grow in his stead as a man.
LOYALTY
There will always be someone, somewhere, who does not approve of your man, what he is doing, how he is handling a situation, etc. Your critic may be among your family members, friends or acquaintances, or, if you are a preacher’s wife, it may be someone in your church. Regardless, you must choose to be loyal to your man.
{Note: By “loyalty”, I am not referring to putting up with or enabling abuse or blatant sin on the part of a husband. The context of this post is not addressing these exceptions, which definitely require a much different response.}
My husband and I made a commitment, before we ever married, that we would never “bad mouth” each other to anyone. We have remained true to that promise, although I’m sure we’ve both had ample reason to complain!
Ladies, I can’t stress enough how important it is for you to refuse to talk bad about your husband, or to allow other’s criticism to sway your view of him.
Your mama doesn’t need to hear you expound upon his faults, and neither does your mother-in-law, or sisters, or friends. Sure, others are going to see his faults, and some may take pride in pointing them out. Who cares? As the wife of a Steady Man, you will choose to destroy or build up your marriage.
Choose to respect your man by showing loyalty, even through the hard times.
MEEKNESS
My dad always defined “meekness” as “controlled strength”. If you are a woman of strong opinions or personality, be aware of both the virtue and vice of your nature.
As the wife of a Steady Man, allow God to teach you to channel your innate strength into that which will build up your marriage and support your man.
When you seek to respect and honor your Steady Man, your strengths will compliment him.
Security and Balance
Looking back on our ten years of marriage, I am increasingly thankful for all God has taught me through my Steady Man. He has brought a great sense of peacefulness to my life, as well as a much needed balance. In my quest to submit to my role as an helpmeet to the man God has given me, I have discovered the added blessings of joy and personal growth.
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What about you? Are you married to a Steady Man?
Hello,
I stumbled across your blog after searching for more information on meeting the needs of a Mr Steady – I have read Debi Pearl’s section on the 3 types of men.
I have been looking for a mentor in this area to pick their brains on the things they have learned being married to a Mr Steady and the details they have noted over time that can meet the needs of this type of man.
I am currently dating a Mr Steady (with hints of leadership qualities) for 9months and am learning to accept him and appreciate him for who he is, how he ticks and what his needs are. I am a visionary/go-to-girl so where as he is very slow and paced I am much faster in all aspects. The biggest thing I find unsatisfying in our relationship is that I feel somewhat categorised into the ‘girlfriend’ box by him. I know he loves me, wants me, needs me for everything that a woman can bring into a man’s life, I know that he respects me (he’s told me once – just once! ha – that he admires my intellect and wisdom – I almost died and went to heaven right then) yet I feel he values and respects a deeper more intellectual relationship with his co-worker/house mate than he does with me (male housemate I should clarify). I secretly struggle with this. I am the sort of girl who is wired to shoulder the burdens of others, to be a companion, a confidant, a lover, a fighter, a supporter, a wall to bounce off, a journeyer through life and I thrive on mutual respect. To be seen as my boyfriends equal is a need for me. I desire to submit to him, to win his heart, for him to respect me but I can’t help but feel at times that I am ‘stuck’ in the ‘woman/girlfriend’ box in his head.
Does this make sense?
I guess my question is; Is there a way that you have learned in your 10yrs of marriage to win the deep respect and ‘intellectual/peer’ admiration of a Mr Steady and to become his main confidant?
I totally understand your question. It must be universal need for women with our personality and nature!
I wish I had a quick, pat answer for you, but I don’t. I do have a few observations to share.
1. Your man will open to you slowly, as he learns to trust you deeply. This takes a lot of patience on your part, which is hard since you (and I) are the quick-about-everything type.
2. He may never articulate everything to you in the way you wish he would. In some respects, I am the communicator in my marriage. Not that my husband can’t or won’t communicate, but he doesn’t share my driving need to understand and be understood. He is content to analyze and understand life quietly; he may or may not share exactly what he’s thinking regarding any given topic, person, or relationship… which has driven me wild with frustration over the years!
3. Learn to give him space and time to communicate. I used to overload my husband with questions, ideas, and demands. It never ceased to lock him down, which further puzzled and frustrated me. Over the years, I’ve learned to let him respond to questions or ideas at his own pace (sometimes it can take days!), and then be quiet and listen when he does decide to open up and speak his mind.
4. Don’t shoot down his ideas when he does share. If you’re like me, then bantering isn’t necessarily a sign that you disagree; you just like to exchange ideas (and maybe debate) logically. This may or may not go over well with your man, especially in the early years when you’re still learning to understand and trust each other. Be careful about cutting down his ideas or criticizing his decisions every time he shares them. Of course I’m not suggesting that you walk on eggs shells and never voice your opinions. 🙂 Just choose your words wisely, cultivate and communicate respect, and when he does decide to talk be quiet and hear him out without cutting in (especially if he’s a dreamer).
5. Don’t demand more than he can give. Most Steady men are well-liked and appreciated by a lot of people, but they rarely connect deeply with many people in their lives. He will not open up and “connect” with you simply because you want or need him to. In time, if you keep your relationship healthy and strong, he will probably open more and more to you. But, he may never “meet you on your turf”. Don’t begrudge his friendships with others, and don’t expect him to be your everything. Find an outlet for your thoughts and ideas (why do you think I blog?), find a female friend who thinks like you and is willing to chat over coffee from time to time, and, most of all, seek to be deeply satisfied in your relationship with Jesus Christ. That in itself will enrich your relationship with your Mr. Steady.
The book, Fierce Women, is on my reading list right now. I haven’t read this book as of yet, but I’ve heard the author speak several times and I have a feeling her book is a worthy read. You might check it out, too!
Kristy, thank you for taking the time to respond amidst your wondrously hectic life.
Every single one of your ‘observations’ resonated precisely. You painted the perfect picture of our relationship and confirmed even further that my man is indeed a Mr Steady – and that we are without a doubt ‘go-to-girls’. 🙂 ( I was even surprised by your reference to him being a dreamer. Nailed it!)
What you also said about being utterly satisfied in our relationship with Christ for our relationship to thrive I have actually already found to be true – only when I am truly satisfied in Jesus do I notice positive changes of drastic proportions in my feelings towards him which equals the enrichment of our relationship. Again, its good to hear you confirm this.
Question: Does Mr Steady ever become dissatisfied in a relationship? If so, what are the reasons/points and how do I guard against them?
I have another question for you – out of all the categories of ‘women types’ listed in Debi’s book ‘Preparing to be his Help Meet’ – which type of girl do you think would merge to fit in with a Mr Steady type most effortlessly?
I’m at an interesting place since I have the advantage of learning many things that most women only learn years into their marriage about their man. He and I are still in the ‘valley of decision’ with regard to ‘forever’ (although he is more settled than I am – goes with his personality I think) and I am quietly analysing how we fit and if we as a team best serve ‘God’s calling’ on our lives together…at this point I have the vantage of figuring it all out now before its ‘too late’ – hence my question above. Obviously I’m not asking you to tell me whether we are a good fit or not, ha–way too much responsibility for anyone, let alone ‘a stranger’ (albeit a wise one) – I’m just curious as to your objective thoughts in this area – a wise, married woman to a searching, unmarried woman. 🙂
Overall Kristy, I feel as if I’ve just collected a treasure map to guide me through the maze of my mans heart from your words of wisdom. So thank you so very, very much!
(And for the book recommendation also!)
Thank you so much for your feedback, Fay… I’m so thankful and humbled to be used by the Lord, even in a small way, to speak into your life. (I would have loved to have had someone to do that for me as a young, unmarried woman!)
Let me give some thought to your next questions before I respond! I’ll be back soon… 🙂
Hello Fay!
I’m up early this morning and decided to take advantage of this “quiet time” and respond to your questions! I’ve been giving these things a lot of thought lately, so here we go:
You asked-
“Does Mr Steady ever become dissatisfied in a relationship? If so, what are the reasons/points and how do I guard against them?”
I would venture that Mr. Steady is probably the least apt (of the three “types” of men, that is) to become dissatisfied in a relationship. He has less expectations out of life and people than either the Visionary Man or Command Man, so he’s less likely to grow dissatisfied. My own marriage to my Mr. Steady points to the fact that this type of guy sees life pretty simply AS IT IS, and accepts the people, relationships, and circumstances AS THEY ARE.
Just because he isn’t likely to grow dissatisfied doesn’t let you and me off the hook, however! As a wife to a Mr. Steady, I guard against damaging my marriage through lack of appreciation and shared interests in life. My Mr. Steady may not grow dissatisfied, but he may simply give up trying to please or relate to me (if I’m critical or demanding). He may simply redirect his emotional energy and interests elsewhere (hobbies, ministry, work, helping other people, etc) if he feels like he’s in a losing battle at home. I would say that most women married to Mr. Steady’s DON’T have “fire works” or stressful disagreements with their man (unless they create the drama). They may simply “lose” their man emotionally if they allow habits of complaining, criticizing, and disrespect to rob him of his dignity.
You also asked:
“Out of all the categories of ‘women types’ listed in Debi’s book ‘Preparing to be his Help Meet’ – which type of girl do you think would merge to fit in with a Mr Steady type most effortlessly?”
Effortlessly? None of them! 🙂
Seriously, fitting in with ANY man in a marriage will take A LOT of work.
Which personality is the most complimentary of a Mr. Steady’s nature? That is a GREAT question!
I have a younger sister who is still waiting for her Knight in Shining Armor to arrive, and we talk about this very question a lot. My sister, Julie, is a Servant-type personality (the feminine personality of the “Steady”). Julie claims that “steady” girls are seldom attracted to “steady” guys, simply because they are too much alike! My easy going sister is more attracted to the flashy, confident types… the wild Visionary and the bossy Command man (which, by the way, would have NEVER been on my radar, lol).
Our personal observation is that opposites are generally the most complimentary. Mr Steady’s usually marry Go To Gals, or at least a girl with a pretty strong nature (some Dreamer girls are dominate, as well).
By “complimentary”, I don’t mean that these personalities just mesh together without any effort whatsoever! Like I already mentioned, marriage takes a lot of work no matter what. I wish I would have understood that when Jeremy and I married… it would have taken a lot of the mystery and frustration out of my little brain! 😉 I guess I expected perfection, which still hasn’t happened, lol.
If you list all the virtues and vices of your personality on one side of a page, and all the virtues and vices of your Mr. Steady on the other side of the page, you’ll find most of your strengths compliment each other. He’s flexible, you’re motivated. He’s considerate, you’re decisive.
The catch: you’re not JUST dealing with strengths, since you both also have weaknesses. (He’s indecisive, you’re demanding, etc). Those are the areas that will require loads of grace, forgiveness, and growth from you both. When you hit these bumps (and you WILL deal with this, no matter who you marry because no man is perfect), it helps to keep those complimentary strengths in mind! Yes, his weaknesses and faults will frustrate you (and yours will frustrate him), but the flip side of his tendency to be indecisive is that he’s super flexible and rarely gets bent out of shape. Every wife has to choose to focus on and appreciate her husband’s strengths, otherwise faults and differences will ruin your relationship and cripple your marriage.
I think the difference between married couples who become a dynamic team has less to do with their innate compatibility, and more to do with their willingness to forgive and work through issues. Complimentary natures have the power to either become powerful and unified (stronger because of their differences), or disjointed and crippled (weaker because of their differences). It’s a choice that every married couple faces!
As a married Go To woman to an unmarried Go To friend, I would simply tell you: don’t marry a man you have to “put up with”, but on the other hand don’t expect to find a perfect man, either. Regardless who you marry, there will be lots of grace and growth required of you as a wife.
In theory, your nature compliments a Steady Man, but only you and the Lord know for sure when it’s the right time and the right person for “forever”.
I hope something here answers your questions, Fay! Feel free to contact me any time with questions… I’ll do my best to respond, point you to helpful resources, etc.
Blessings to you!
Just read the ‘Fierce Woman’ description on Amazon. Um…
To purchase ASAP!
Yes, I totally agree! I’d love to hear what you think when you read it, Fay! It sounds soooo good!
The only reason I haven’t ordered it yet is because I’m in the middle of reading like three books right now, haha. 🙂
Thank you so much Kristy. I look forward to hearing from you.
Oh wow- I definitely am! I so enjoyed your first part of this and have benefited greatly from reading this. Thank you!!
I am very happily married to a Mr. Steady 🙂 However, your title Miss Bossy meets Mr. Steady is pretty much how our earliest photo as a couple would look if it had a caption–Ha ha! I am still working to become a woman who does not nitpick at things I don’t like. I am thankful that God has given me the grace to speak only well of him in public (I can’t stand when people put down their husbands!), yet I realize that our private life must reflect that meek attitude as well….I have much work to do, but thankfully it is God who will complete this work in me! 🙂 Enjoyed these posts, thanks for sharing what you’ve learned!
I am married to Mr. Steady (who also has characteristics of visionary and command, I believe), not quite a year! Thank you for your post, reading it I believe God has blessed me a few of the characteristics (loyalty & meekness) which has made our marriage and relationship pretty “easy” so far, but I know there will be hard times in the future where I will need to internalize and apply all the Keys you listed and then some, Lord willing!
Blessings on your, Shannon, as you continue to grow in grace as a wife!! Sounds like you are off to a great start, my friend. 🙂
I am married to a steady man as well. It has taken me most of the 24 years of our marriage to learn some of these lessons. Excellent advise, especially for those of us who are high strung by nature. 🙂
Rebecca, I absolutely believe that we high strung ladies do have an extra challenge on our hands!
Thank God, He gives us the wisdom and grace to learn to balance (and be balanced by) our Steady Men.
Thank you for your post! I am married to Mr. Steady for almost 9 years. Love it. I can really relate to what you write. Just a question: do you have any advice about how to deal with parents that are speaking denigrating about eachother? My parents are very critical and often speak not so good about eachother. It hurts me. I did follow their example for a while, but try to do things different now from a different heart. They can not read English, so I can not let them read this. It also feels somewhat out of place to ‘teach’ my parents, but if I simply listen to their comments… do I not agree with them? At the other hand I have to respect them, it feels wrong to correct them, but it is very embarrassing to listen to them if they say these things. If you have any ideas…please let me know! (And yes, I will work and pray for a grateful heart myself too!)
Anne, it’s always sad and even discouraging to hear parents speak this way of each other.
First of all, let me say that I am proud of you for choosing not to follow their example! Criticism, negativity, and complaining leads to a very unhappy life and marriage.
As for how to “handle” your parents… try to retain a sweet spirit but do not feel obligated to listen or agree when your parents begin to “bad mouth” each other. Ask the Lord to give you an opportunity (and the grace!) to calmly but firmly tell them you do not see their words as benefiting anyone, especially you. Tell them you are choosing joy in your life and marriage, and you would rather not hear about their personal issues with each other.
If they continue to use you as a sounding board for their unhappiness, gently suggest that they seek outside help or counseling. If they are willing to change and want help, they can find a pastor, a wise friend, or a Christian counselor to listen and advise. If they just want to criticize and complain, then they have personal issues to deal with. Either way, you, as their daughter, should not have to shoulder the burden of their unhappiness with each other.
Depending on their personalities, this may offend them. However, you cannot allow your parents’ personal problems or marriage issues to undermine your own marriage.
Try not to focus on their faults and unhappiness, or you will find it robbing you of your own joy. If you have grown up hearing a constant barrage of negativity and criticism, you will have some habits to break so that you can freely embrace a life of joy and thankfulness. Turn your focus to the Lord and willfully embrace His pattern for your life on a daily basis.
Pray for your parents, but realize you cannot change them. You CAN change yourself and can contribute to a blessed marriage with the man God has given you.
Thank you, it is amazing how you do not know me, but can say the right words!!! I am thankfull for your reply and will think about it. It is true that this robbed me from my joy but -thank to the Lord- I choose joy now. Good to hear you saying that I can say something about it. God bless you,
Anne.